Oh ! Mistress you make me sad.
What made you happy in Australia?
Sent from my iPhone
On 5 Feb 2015, at 16:37, Mistress Pasaya <[email protected]> wrote:
no it never stops raining inside me … always drizzle drizzle drizzle
What made me happy in Australia was everything. My 2 friends asked me to go to college there with them after we finished university here an i said ok. But back then i could speak English just basic level from studying it in school for my minor degree. I was scared to go but because my friends wanted to go i thought ok i don’t have to worry about my english so much then i can just speak Thai at the beginning. Then about 1 week before we go i got my education visa but the embassy for Australia declined both of my friends to go so i had to go alone. I wanted to cancel my trip too but I had already paid 400000 baht to go and that was almost all my money I had saved and it was my small dream to go study outside Thailand. Ok so i agreed not to stay. I cried all day not to go and even going to the airport i cried in the taxi there because i was so scared to go.
Why not cry? I never left Thailand even 1 time. To leave here is like a dream for everybody but nobody knows how to go, where to go, why to go and then like you can see even if they know all that very often no country will let a Thai girl go. My family told me to spend my money slowly and gave me $500 Australian money for the first month and they would send me more after a few months. I mean they thought that was enough money because nobody knows better here. We live in a bubble.
My plane landed in Australia and i went through immigration and died in shock that the Taxi to go to the city will cost about $80 and the cheapest hostel he knows will cost me $100. Almost 1/2 my money to live for 1 month gone in the first hour. I cant buy a ticket to go back home. Can’t go into the city. So i lay down sleep on the chairs in the airport and cried looking at the rain outside …
“I went to bed and woke in the middle of the night thinking I heard someone cry, thinking I myself was weeping, and I felt my face and it was dry.
Then I looked at the window and thought: Why, yes, it’s just the rain, the rain, always the rain, and turned over, sadder still, and fumbled about for my dripping sleep and tried to slip it back on.” Ray Bradbury
Next morning the same security guard i see all night comes to talk to me and asks me why i don’t leave the airport. I tell him i have $500 to live and know nobody in Australia. I cannot even tell him where is the school in Sydney I only know the name. I have no place to sleep and cannot afford a place anyway. Worse thing is he is trying to help me by talking to me and i understood nothing. The more he talks the more scared i get and the more i just want to go home. I didn’t eat since the food on the airplane and i’m very hungry but one fucking water at the airport is $4. This nice guy takes me to the taxis and pays for the driver to take me to Thai town of Sydney and from there i am on my own. Good at least it is not the airport.
In Thai town i went looking for a place to sleep because it was after lunch already. The more i find out how much hotels are, how much food is, how much drinks are, the smaller and smaller my $500 looks to me. Like i was really really scared. I felt like my friends and family just dropped me off in another world and left me to die or survive. Australia was the worst nightmare anybody could have. I didn’t know how to make my phone work to call my mom or my uncle. And anyway they would think i was crazy if i told them if 1 water bottle was 120 baht. It is 13 baht in Bangkok. It’s whey they don’t let us leave the country we don’t know. Nobody taught me this in school, in university. 20 years in school not even 1 time did somebody teach me about anything outside our border. There is no sanctuary.
That afternoon i saw i had to make the most basic decision of my life, food or shelter. So i decided priority is to get a job. Can sleep on the street no problem. Had no food too for a day and was hungry. I went to every thai restaurant and begged for a job so I could have money but found that Thai people outside my country are not nice like inside my country. Only one guy was nice to me he was a sweet gay Thai guy and he helped me by talking to his manager at the restaurant where he worked and they gave me a job. I started that same evening. I stole the food inside the place that just gave me the job because i was so hungry. For one week until my school started i slept in the street, waited to work in the restaurant, ate food when nobody was looking and got to know my gay friend more and more. On the Sunday he showed me to where the school was but it was so far. I would go broke, it’s like $3 or 90 baht to take the bus in Australia compared to 8 baht in Bangkok. So on the Sunday night i worked to 1am and slept until 5am and then left at 6am to walk 2 hours to the university trying to remember how the bus went and got lost.
First day in college put more terror in my brain. In the first class i had no idea what the teacher was saying or what anybody sitting next to me was saying. I remember thinking what english did they teach me back home? English was my minor and i couldn’t understand anything. I sat in the back corner of every class and hid. And slept lol. I was too tired to study or listen because at night i would have to work until very late and then sleeping in the street i now looked like the beggars in Bangkok after only a week of class.
Finally i got paid after a week and still had almost all my $500 still. I tried not to spend even $1 of that money. I met a Thai girl who came to the restaurant a few times that week and she offer me to go live with her and share her small condo 50/50 with her. But she said i had to pay her first month and last month if i wanted to move in with her. Cannot. I told my gay friend i really needed a place to stay because i couldn’t go to the college looking worse than i did already. He said he would pay the Thai girl the money to get me to live with her because if i shared the rent 50/50 i could afford it and have money to eat. So I paid her Tuesday and then Tuesday night after college i went back to change for work and the police came to the room. They wanted me to show the contract i signed to stay in that room and i could not show it because it was her room her contract. The police took me with them and said i could not live there. I had my id and my clothes still in my suitcase so to go with them i wasn’t scared too much. After the police let me go i went back to her room to get my money back for the deposit my friend borrowed to me but she would not answer the door. For sure she called the police i knew that then. Lol, Thai is Thai, lie is lie, inside or outside the country na ka.
I moved in with my gay friend and finally i had a place to stay and money for food to eat because we shared. I even showered for the first time. I felt like a new girl , i felt relieved i survived that and didn’t die. Second week of college i felt like i had been in Australia for a year already it was so rough. But i started to relax a bit now. Life was still a hell going to school all day and working all night and having only 4 hours sleep but at least the little bit of money i had was going up and not down and i had food to eat. Still it was a hell month like i would never wish on anybody.
At school i still had problems trying to understand anything. My grades were horrible. After the first month we had to do a presentation to all the people in my Business English class and i was frozen just thinking about standing up and trying to talk English in their country. My english was so basic compared to everybody. I went and studied and practiced for it from 1-3am every night but even then i knew my English grammar was about 10% correct and 90% awful Thai English. Kind of like i still talk now haha 555. Still i was more mad, pissed off, angry, and had enough of being alone shy and afraid. I went up and said straight out that i was from Thailand, i had studied some sort of English back home the best i could, and i told the truth that i felt like i knew nothing and said i am going to try anyways. So i did my presentation the best I could and you know what. It didn’t matter. I had dressed nice, i wore makeup for the first time, and that was the first time people knew i existed. Because after that class the guys in the class came to talk to me all the time asking for my number, offering to help, and more important making me sit with them. From that day i started to have friends. A lot of friends. Japanese friends, Korean friends, Australian friends, friends from everywhere in the world. I wasn’t a minority i was part of a group.
I started to become a new girl again. Party monster and Party monster went to every party on the weekends. Every guy would fight to take me to their party and i loved it. That’s when I started to learn how to flirt with men. In the year i was there I never had sex with anybody or even made 1 guy my boyfriend. I wanted to have as many men as I could trying to help me and serve me and I knew if i commited to 1 guy all the guys would go away from me. I became Flirty and maybe the first steps of being Mistress too because I enjoyed letting the men fight over me and serving me. I learned how to seduce men lol. I absolutely changed everything about who i was and became so different than the shy girl I was before. I was trying to find myself i think. I tried smoking, i got high, but most of all I danced. I could dance all the night as sexy as I wanted and have as much fun as I wanted. I learned a little bit of every language from all my friends and we did everything and went everywhere together. I started to love absolutely everything about Australia.
I loved trying to learn English and after i felt confidant i loved to go out by myself into Sydney and see what places i could find and explore. I was learning so fast that i was changing every month who I was. I was loving living in a free society where people thought differently, spoke differently, were taught differently. I became free . I really changed everything about who I was. Gone was the old me. But then just as I was starting to love where i was time disappeared on me. My visa and school were about to finish and i felt like i had just started. it had been a year since I had cried at the airport all night but the day before I had to leave i cried and cried even worse than the day i was leaving Thailand and even worse than the night at the airport. I learned that tears of fear are nothing comapred to tears of sadness. Australia was my home in my mind and I had to leave it. If you look in the photo at end of my blog today you can see my eyes are red from non stop crying all night long.
In the morning on the final day some of my closest friends came to the airport with me and they cried for me not to go. Everybody wrote me a letter and i kept all those letters and still read them when i feel lonely. When i was checking in i thought that leaving that airport one year before was the hardest thing i ever had to do in my life. But now doing the thing i wanted to do the most back then … get on an airplane and go back home … this was even harder. When i came back home i was dead inside. I felt like somebody who escaped from prison and had to go back because they caught me. I was trapped . I rally fucking hate to be back here. Ya this is my country and I am happy to be born here and I like some traditions here about being Thai. But I no longer want to stay here. Nobody can make me stay and I will find a way to get out and be free again. I want to be free from corruption I see around me but that everybody is ok with. I want to be free from rich people taking advantage of all the poor people and then burning the money having fun right in front of their faces.
This is what Jaa talks about when she says after you take the red pill and woke up you never can see things the same again. You feel like you don’t belong. Worse is you cannot talk to anybody about it because everybody is still plugged in to the Matrix. I am just a virus now.
I have to pay back my debt of 400,000 for that experience still. I thought I paid 400,000 for my college but really I paid that money to change me to be a woman. For that i won’t just pay the school that money, i would pay it back a million times that money for what it gave me. It gave me knowledge that there is sanctuary, i just have to find how how to back to it again.
* i will do a sexy story about my ball busting session tomorrow. i just really wanted to share that with some people i know who read my blog every day now. it was the most special time in my life. If you really need to pull your dick though you can read about my hottest session ever lol.