See here I am again, 5pm, and femdom is the furthest thing from my mind.
Its because I’m starting to really understand who I am as a woman. In fact, I’m not a woman at all, I’m very much a little girl who’s brain has the innocence of a newborn baby and in my world the sky is pink, people are wonderful, we all do wonderful things that are helpful to humanity.
And I know it sounds crazy to say this – but one of the reasons these waves of depression hit so hard is because my tiny brain can’t process all this evil around me and I don’t mean the world in general I mean right outside my door and how people who are supposed to be closest to me have treated me. Just that. Because gosh, its when I start to think about the evil beyond that – say just in my country or South East Asia as evil’s boundaries from things I read about … it is too much for me.
That’s the difference between someone who’s possibly schizophrenic, maybe a bit bi-polar from my life experiences and most certainly mentally divergent … and say someone like you. You can brush things off your shoulder like its nothing but to me – who’s brain is really simple like someone running life’s or even humanity’s most basic program – its like asking this DOS written child-like program to make sense of The Matrix – would it be that life actually looked like code from that movie.
But the more I read all these science fiction books, the further this bubble of mine – like you see in the image I created – floats further into space and distances myself from Earth.
Especially living as a recluse where … if I can remove that one week of turmoil half a month ago … I am now well into my 7th month of zero human interaction, just me and my thoughts. The more I am allowed to be born again, because that is truly what this experience is feeling like – a chance for my brain to go through a whole new learning phase from scratch, the more I seem to be re-writing the program that runs my life into being something “more” than I was.
Does that make sense?
I think you’d have to live in total isolation to truly ‘get’ what I’m experiencing this past year.
Let’s use sports as an analogy. Take say a ten year old athlete – lets use hockey as our example, I’m that athlete. And put her suddenly into a professional sports environment. So I’m being asked to play a hockey game at a professional level and I’m just clueless. That has been my life up until 2023. Only, somehow I have this magical power where I can snap my fingers (become a Mistress) and all the players are frozen. I can then take the ball or whatever you call the thing they shoot and score as many times as I want and it counts! I unfreeze the game by snapping my fingers (femdom session is over) and the players see the score is 5-0 for my team and they have no idea how that happened but the score stands and the game resumes. Me, I’m totally oblivious to what is happening until sometime later in the game I decide to snap my fingers again which equals the next femdom session.
See?
So for what is approaching a year now, I have removed myself from the hockey game. I’ve removed myself from society, and I’m trying to make sense of life with no distractions other than my books. In a sense, my books are becoming my new reality. That and all these educational conversations I keep having with AI – it is kind of like going through school all over again only this time it is an education system designed by me – for me and me alone.
Somehow, some way, I’m able to more and more step outside my brain’s limitations and see the world as I have never seen it before. No, not the world – existence itself, somewhat. Again, you’d have to be have been living in my shoes to understand how this is possible. For example, right this second – the 5pm monsoon rains have begun to pound down from the sky and all the birds stopped singing, their songs replaced by the thunderous sound of the buckets of rain hitting the roof of my house. Those are the only two sounds I have been cognizant of today – first the birds and now the rain. That’s how basic life is for me right now. A product of living 40kms from the nearest city – Chiang Rai, in the middle of a forested canopied lane where only one other neighbor exists – and nobody knows I exist for I have not seen or spoken to anyone since last November other than the Amazon and Lazada courrier and well, he-who-shall-not-be-named if I may take a page from Harry Potter’s world.
I mean truly, this is a fascinating experiment I am doing. Not that I really want to be a participant in it, I’m doing it because I kind of have to. Life’s cards have made this my next move, I’ve had no say in the matter really.
I wish so much I could just sit and write to you about the thoughts that I actually have here every day. If I did – to the very last person, you’d all think I was insanely naive, to the point where you would cease to see me as the Mistress you all once knew and would see me as a 5yo child with the brain of a newborn who’s been floating around the cosmos for a few billion years. Lol, try to make sense of that last sentence!
Here, fuck it. Want one? One true thought process I had earlier this afternoon?
So the other day I took a photo of one of the places I was thinking to rent – when I thought living here was untenable and I believed I had to move out. I’ll show you the place once I have my new phone – I’m without one at the moment. Anyways, I was thinking what to do with the place once I moved in and immediately I started having this vision of the cutest little coffee shop.
Only, the coffee shop would be full of books for people to read while sipping their coffee. Of course I’d have to go buy a few hundred books to do this but that’s fine, I’ve never been one to concern myself with the practicality of my dreams – I’d just find a way to do it.
Inside my shop, I’d have the coziest types of places to sit and relax, really retro oh and I’d have all the music I love softly playing in the background – so think Neil Young, Paul Simon, Johnny Cash and uh, the girl who sings “i’m going back some day to where the ?something? play on blue bye you. where the folks are fun and the world is mine on blue bye you.” See I’m crying. That’s my world, I love that song because of that lyric -where the folks are fun and the world is mine … see that would be my coffee shop.
I’d have my daughters come – because they are artists you see, if you remember way back when I showed you how talented they are – and I’d have them paint the walls with their art. I’d have everybody paint the walls if they felt like they wanted to leave piece of them in my shop so they might return one day.
And I’d take care of every customer like he or she was the most important person in the world. The place I want to rent is on a main highway on the way to the airport and I imagine all sorts of people heading to their flight but are early and want to pass some time in my little cafe of joy reading the books I have for them.
Oh and it would be the best coffee too, I’d go out and find the best coffee beans and hand grind them – and I’d study coffee making so I knew the proper temperatures to make the world’s most perfectly possible coffee – and I’d serve it in a huge cup because it doesn’t matter if they can’t finish it, I’d want to oversupply my customers.
And everybody would love me and love my shop – and maybe I’d be so busy that my daughters would ask me if they can work there and I’d let them run the shop and we’d all be one happy family.
Only, that’s not what would happen would it, outside my bubble?
See, my daughters are estranged from me, they think I’m crazy, they don’t want anything to do with me. The place is poorly located for such a shop and it’d sit empty and me there with it, again with nobody to talk to. I’d have this lovely shop, maybe one of the world’s most lovely coffee shops and not a single person would ever stop to experience it because I simply don’t belong in this world.
But if I could open it inside my little bubble – it’d be the most wonderful place and I’d finally be happy. For one day in my life, I would actually experience the happiness I always dream about.
So you know what I did this afternoon after thinking all that? I sat down at my little business table that I showed you in this morning’s post and started running the numbers about how much it would all cost to make it possible, to make this impossible dream possible. Before I realized it, I was writing number after number, adding endlessly and getting lost in pages and pages of this math that I was making far too complicated.
That’s when I realized, see because I have the ability to step outside myself now and look at what I’m doing from a third person perspective that the noise was coming back – my brain was starting to slip back into my schizophrenic world by feeding me numbers and so I stood up from the table abrupty, came inside and started reading Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep again to reset myself, to calm my brain, to re-enter my bubble world where everything is wonderful.
Only, there’s this signal way back in the deepest part of my brain that is ever so quietly saying “you have to put the book down soon and go write about that time where you kicked the slave so hard in his balls that he collapsed onto my condo’s floor because I haven’t told the story about that session yet. How I laughed at him howling in pain as I f-rcefully stuck the long sharp stiletto of my high heel shoe into his mouth and further and further down his throat until it scratched the deepest part of his throat and eventually he began coughing up red stuff which made me laugh at his plight even harder.
I put down my Kindle as I thought about this and said out loud “holy sh*t, that was me, I used to do that – I mean, I did that. That was a real session. I remember the day, the weather, what I wore, what he wore, heck I remember that it was an afternoon session because he wanted to squeeze one more session with me in before he had to fly home to London later that night.
I remember him writing to me telling me how on the flight home he couldn’t stop coughing because my stiletto had scratched the deepest part of his throat and the passengers around him were scolding him and wanted to be seated someplace else but the plane was full. He told me – that he had told them proudly out loud that his Mistress had made him to cough like that and he was proud I had done so. He told me that finally he had found a Mistress who didn’t care one bit about his plight and his suffering and that he will “take how I laughed at him to his grave because it was one of the most intense sexual moments of his life.”
I remember all that. Vividly.
Only, who was that girl? I know who she is – that’s my split personality, a character that I fell into so much that she became a real entity – somehow.
And so quickly, ever so quickly, I snap back into my pink world inside my bubble to quickly forget about that session and who I was because that’s so not me. I would never hurt someone like that. Instantly, I was back in my coffee shop and it was real. Oh so real. I had customers and we were sitting in a group and were talking about our stock market trades at which point my mind manifested this super popular Facebook group that I had started as a way to lure customers to my shop and now it was half a reading coffee shop and all at once a place where me and my friends – who were customers – were sharing our trading secrets and having a blast and suddenly I was happy again.
At which point I came here to write about something and … here I am writing these words about my cute little bubble world.
And I want to hit Ctrl A and Delete because I’ve revealed a bit too much of myself maybe. Or maybe just fuck it. Maybe just let it out who I am. Who cares anyways – I don’t talk to anyone. No one knows I exist outside these walls except for the people I write for.
I’m a writer. My dream. One of them anyways. One of them has actually come true. And a reader – I read. So that’s two dreams that have come true. So maybe that coffee shop can happen after all?
Maybe?
Or am I back in my cute naive little bubble world?
The Femdom focused part of the blog with today’s video is posted below for my FanVue and Patreon subscribers. Enjoy 🙂