I like this book cover the most. I like chapter one – it is very relatable. The mood organ which alters brain chemistry to produce a desired mood – that’s the Lorazepam they made me take for down mood. The Prozac they made me take to dial up a happy mood. The Haloperidol they made me take to dial in a ‘I’m dead to the world’ mood – heh, as if anyone would ever voluntarily want to dial up that mood.
What’s also interesting to me is that Deckard’s wife wants to be depressed lol. I can’t imagine for any reason, wanting to choose what happens to me from time to time. That she wants to feel like I do for 6 hours – an unimaginable torturous amount of time trust me because I’ve experienced it, means that the world she is experiencing makes her want to feel like that and yup – I certainly get that.
So right off the start, the book and I have connected in a very deep way.
Still, I can’t let go of The Zone from Roadside Picnic as I have seemed to have internalized that as well. Anything outside the door beside me that leads out of this safety area is The Zone. They’re all broken, fucked up people and that there’s a fence around The Zone is an illusion because the insanity extends to the neighborhood itself – to Ban Du – to Bangkok.
A zone that unfortunately, in a moment, I must venture out into. I was awoken about 40 minutes ago by them screaming through the open air window outside my house that the electrical bill has to be paid. It’s the 23rd, I have until the 30th, its way too hot to ride my bicycle to the atm machine 2 hours away. I have my own separate bill that comes in from theirs, my house is on its own grid. But no, this emergency from The Zone requires the zone people to wake me up by means of screaming in my down syndrome sister’s voice that sounds like my teacher’s nails on a blackboard screeching.
So I have called my driver to take me to the atm machine, then to 7Eleven to pay the internet and then back home for a cost of 1,000 extra. Yes, I’d rather forego food money of 1k than to get in a car with all of them or to ride behind either my sister or my daughter on the motorcycle they keep accusing me of stealing.
Which is going to leave me really low on food money so as soon as I get back I’ll get another Patrreon / FanVue Femdom blog post up.
I don’t dream of electric sheep. I recall I was dreaming about friends long lost from my life as I always do. It is a consequence of living secluded.
On the good side of things – not a single episode has hit for a while now. Its been about four or five days since the second big fight and I’m well avoided now … until just a few moments ago.
I’m a religious zealot now. I truly believe at a maniacal level now that my constant reading is the best medicine I have ever found for my brain and for my writing as I am using ai so much less this past month. Like hardly at all unless it is to discuss what I have been reading. And even then, I am about 20 pages into this book that inspired Blade Runner and I only used ai one time to discuss the mood organ, not because I didn’t understand it, but I wanted someone to talk to about it so I initiated the conversation.
Previously, in all books before – when I’m opening up an ai conversation it was always to clarify confusion. Now, I’m using it to expand upon my thoughts.
See what I mean? That to me is hard core evidence that repair work has been done on my brain in a meaningful way.
Also, any book that doesn’t focus on intelligence, sentience, human’s place in the universe … seems so simple by comparison. I’m sure The War of the Worlds was a great book and I can tell by the reviews on GoodReads that Hothouse was well received. But those are two of the most trivial books I have read of the nine. Like fluff bouncing across the desert floor.
Dracula was painful to read once the book left Dracula’s castle 1/4 into the story. I didn’t know at the time – I kept pushing through page after page.
Endings. Books don’t end like I think they will. As in, books don’t end like the Death Star exploding in Star Wars, they end in a more quirky way. In almost every instance, I have felt that the author’s intent in the final pages was to say to the reader “here, consider this:” So, if there is a book on Star Wars, I’m sure the ending is left up in the air, did the Death Star blow up or not? Did one X-Wing fighter ride off into space instead and what is the significance of that?
Know what I mean? They are intellectual endings rather than popcorn munching endings and I’m not used to it yet. Like, I hit the last page of Roadside Picnic and as my Kindle flipped the page to it … saying I was only at 94% of the book completed … I was stunned to see the last two sentences in the book.
The last 6% was the author writing about how hard it was to publish the book and get it through Russian censorship.
I almost had an Annie Wilkes cockadoodie car moment there swinging in my hammock. Go see the movie Misery if you don’t get that reference.
It ended like THAT?
chatGPT – explain. Ohhhhh. Highly intellectual ending. Ah, I get it.
Side note – I saw the Golden Sphere as the huge scary sperical engine in the movie Event Horizon. My brain calls upon all my movie knowledge to fill in the pictures of what I’m reading. I’m certain other readers don’t do this – no doubt they call upon all the millions of other books they have read to paint the pictures from the read words.
That’s why I’m always looking for these action endings and keep getting caught off guard.
Know what’s scaring me the most though? Peak Charlie starts questioning meaning, intention, authors, even himself as a character in a larger structure in his last progress reports. Before he dies in Flowers from Algernon.
I feel I’m at the part in that book where he just starts questioning things around him.
Thus, I feel like there is something ominously bad awaiting me just around the corner. I would like to get to finishing my 100th book before that happens though. Maybe that’s it takes – 100 books – to have cured my Schizophrenia / Bi-Polar / Anxiety – call it what you will. I forget what killed Charlie, maybe re-reading that in English this time will be my 100th and final book.
I’ve deviated the past few days from matching the free blog story – or the upper half of my daily femdom blog – from the ppv Patreon/FanVue subscriber access only bottom half of the blog. Previously, every time I posted, I had matched what I had written in the top half with the bdsm/femdom video I was showing you in the ppv part, but I can’t always be that rigid.
Sometimes, what’s on my mind, what’s truly on my mind has nothing to do with being a Mistress … and lately a lot of my thought energy has gone into just pushing this whole phase of me recovering from the past two years since my mental breakdown into an even better story of my life.
So that’s why sometimes you’ll read the top half and go ‘huh, what?’ and then again go ‘huh what?’ when I suddenly switch to writing super sexy and intimate in the pay-per-view half down below. Feeds right into my bi-polar self now that I think about it. I will forever be these two fucking girls … the innocent deer who just wants to help people and see everyone happy, and this Mistress me who wants to see my slaves become truly complete versions of what they could become by any means necessary.
And with that – today’s video which carries on from yesterday’s perfect ass to mouth feeding with the slave tied up and helpless on the bed …. and I guess I should put a trigger warning since it is 2026 and we’re deep into the ‘soft people create hard times’ part of where we’re at with society … if you are at all squeamish and can get easily upset by things happening to a penis that should never happen to a penis … do yourself a favor and don’t watch the video below otherwise you’re subjecting yourself to 16 and a half minutes of hell that you’ll never be able to erase from your mind.