Silent No Mess Feeding video is in the second part of this blog post for my FanVue and Patreon subscribers. For the top – free half of the blog, I have some thoughts about what I’ve been going through that I have to get off my chest first.
Here are my most recent thoughts on how to improve my life by ending all this conflict and getting away for good from people that … if I’m being honest … as much as I love them, I’d be much better off being away from them.
Buy something small like this house for 800k. Give the land here back to my family. Move out in the middle of the night when they’re asleep. Don’t come back until its just my mother living here, or my mother and my sister. Live on my own. At least, no matter how bad things go with my mental health, I can’t get kicked out because the house is in my name.
There’s a condo around the same price but it is right in the city just a rock’s throw from where I rented last fall. More convenient, yes, but I have this ability now to step away from myself and analyze who I am and my tendencies in the times I’m not feeling or behaving well … and moving to that condo would also put me a stone’s throw away from my daughters which is not healthy for me.
The house is much further away.
Not healthy in that – their stance on being non-communicative with me saddens me and when depression hits, one of those waves is right around the corner. Like a lost bird I try and fly back to the flock. For instance, I found myself going to their condo at 2am to hang food I baked all afternoon for them on their doorhandle in hopes the kind gesture would get them to text me. They wouldn’t, and I’d get even more depressed.
That’s what happened at that house I rented. I could ride my bicycle to their condo and it would take me 5 minutes if I peddled quickly. I was so close to them and yet, I’ve never felt further and that destroyed me over time.
Also, take into consideration that I moved there in August right around my birthday and I quite the Haloperidol, Risperidone, Zoloft and Lorazepam cold turkey so I was going through massive withdrawal symptoms, barely keeping it together with those 6 hour exercising sessions day after day.
I don’t think, now that its been 9 months that I’ve been medicine free, that I’d act in the same way if the place I moved to was more removed from the city. I think I’d be okay.
Honestly speaking, I’d prefer to give this recovery portion of my life another half year to a year to play out if for no other reason than to put distance … as measured by time … between all the stuff that happened before and present day. With every passing season – so 3 month chunks – I have found that though not feeling perfect, every new season that’s come along has brought improvements. Lately – by leaps and bounds.
Take away the snag I hit with my family as the Songkran holiday hit, I pretty much hadn’t talked to anyone since the start of November … half a year or two seasons.
I find myself, sadly, coming to terms with the fact that everybody hates me – though they’d never say that to my face … it’s not the Thai way. Which is the reason I so easily memorized the lyrics from Imagine Dragon’s song Enemy – the theme song for Arcane’s League of Legends series on Netflix.
(Look out for yourself) <– the first line of the song … and so me, right?
“I wake up to the sound, of the silence that allows
for my mind to run around, with my ear up to the ground.
I’m searching to behold, the stories that are told (<–about me na)
when my back is to the world, that was smiling when I turned (<– like I said, they won’t ever say it to my face that they all hate me)
You know.
I’d much rather they just come out and say it to my face … like my dad almost did when he said he is done with me earlier this week. I need my mom to say it, I need my sister to say it and then I need both my daughters to say it. They’d have to be under some truth serum that strips them of all the customs we’ve been taught to smile, jai-yen (keep it cool) and then back stab once turned.
I feel the hate and I’d rather just move on. If I evict them, them and the moo-baan / tiny rural village will do the equivalent of shunning me so instead, let me make the first move by shunning them. Meaning, if I move out of here – I empty my bank account to the last penny er well, satang … to buy a tiny little property that’s mine and I’m done with them for quite a long while.
Something happens to me with my mental divergence, or I slip and fall, or I get cancer or whatever ill fate awaits me out there … I don’t call them to come help me … I die alone and I’m fine with that.
No seriously. Just as I was dead serious about flushing all those medicines down the toilet on August 15th and saying out loud that no matter what happens going forward – even death – that I’d welcome such a destiny because it will have meant that I died trying to be me, trying to be Wael once again.
Same here. I feel, quite strongly actually – that they go, or I go. And soon. One or the other.
It is my compulsion, driven by my mental divergence or go ahead, call it schizophrenia if you wish, that I try to help people, be worried about people, and want to do basically anything to make the people around me happy. Heck, I’ve read about people diagnosed with schizophrenia that see people that aren’t there, that talk to ghosts, that talk to God himself, or are told by the Devil to do things. I’m grouped with all of them – in the minds of my family and everyone else who hears that damn word. But my curse is something far, far worse. My schizophrenia moves me to want to go cook for everybody, to clean the dishes for everyone, to sweep the property for everyone, to do 20 hour Tease & Denial sessions for everyone, to do extreme HTS for everyone … and I can’t stop myself. That’s my curse. I’m constantly worried about the health and well-being and feeling of satisfaction of every single person I come in contact with. Yes I’m a recluse – because I’m trying ever so hard to fight that feeling. That compulsion to go out and make everyone’s lives a little easier. But it won’t go away. It just won’t. Gosh knows I’ve tried.
I was peeking through the window today and saw my mom struggling in the heat to cook food for everyone for dinner and every cell inside me wanted to open the door and take over for her – to tell her to go rest. But if I did, I swear to you – the look on her face would be one of unease if not horror to see me so suddenly. She’d text my dad who’d come and see what mischief I was up to and everyone would suddenly find reason to have stuff to do outside in the heat just to keep an eye on me.
So I cried. I put my hand on the door and slumped to my knees just wishing the feeling would go away, to please – just for once, let me feel like it is fine to just take care of myself. But I can’t.
The only people that have ever loved seeing me – were all my submissive clients. I fed off of that like starving dogs ripping meat off a bone. But I got taken advantage of, I know. People started to sense that I cannot say no to a request. “Mistress, do you think you could tease me until we both collapsed from exhaustion?”
That was the question asked to me – in today’s story. Of course I said yes. Why do you think I teased him non-stop for 19 straight hours? Out of enjoyment for myself? Do you really think that? Like, would you lick pussy for 19 straight hours, would that be fun?
The question itself indicates he would enjoy it, that it would be a fun experience for him, that he’d thank me for doing it. My schizophrenia – my curse – compels me to do it.
It compels me to do more and more extreme things. I’m not trying to outdo myself like some sort of mad scientist, I can’t say no. And even if I did say no – I’d feel so awful about it that it would cause a depression wave to hit for several hours, maybe even days. So to avoid that – I find a way to execute even the most mind blowing suggestions. “Mistress, can you have 50 ladyboys spit-roast me over and over until I prolapse and collapse, I’m ready to pay any amount of money.” I give you – The Extreme Ladyboy Gauntlet.
Yes I got lucky with it being covid lockdowns in the city and every ladyboy was starving for food. But I found a way. At one point, in trying to arrange that session, I was up for 38 straight hours texting, just non-stop texting ladyboy after ladyboy telling them how the session would go down and how much they’d get paid.
The same with arranging the 40 University girls to feed a slave back-to-back. I think that took 30 hours the first couple of days and then about 40 hours after that once I awoke. So ya, I’m talking 70 hours of a non-stop focus to arrange this thing. I went without food, without sleep, without showering. It’s like a compulsion that I can’t control. Not until the session is over.
I’m trying to convey all this in Under Her: Uncensored which though is a sexy read – probably, so long as my writing is good enough … it might be one of the deepest looks into this form of schizophrenia ever written.
Why oh why couldn’t I have been cursed with say – the ability to talk to God instead? Or to see ghosts – I could have been like that kid in The Sixth Sense walking around saying “I see dead people.” That’s me for sure.
As anything else but a Mistress – I repel people. I make them hate me. I’ve been studying this every day here in my house.
Here, see – this is where it would be OH so helpful to be able to link things with a url … like this chat I had with ChatGPT today. If you don’t want to read it all as its quite long I’ll separate the cut and paste with long double lines so you can just scroll down to where I continue typing.
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what’s the clinical name for a schizophrenia related characteristic where the person – me- talks endlessly , like a podcast almost, when having a conversation with someone. even me. lorraphia? something like that. Might be bi-polar related too. But, I can control it. If I force myself to. It just feels like my brain sometimes is feeding me information at the speed of light and my mouth has the need to output it to the world almost just to clear it from my body. Does that sound silly?
Not silly at all. The way you described it actually lines up very neatly with a few real clinical terms.
The word you were reaching for is probably logorrhea (sometimes spelled “logorrhoea”). It literally means a kind of verbal overflow… like your brain opened a fire hydrant and your mouth is the nearest street.
A couple of related concepts sit nearby:
pressured speech – fast, intense talking that feels hard to slow down, often seen in bipolar disorder during manic or hypomanic states.
flight of ideas – thoughts racing and jumping quickly, which can drive that “I have to say this now before it vanishes” feeling.
tangentiality – when speech drifts away from the original point.
In schizophrenia, you can see talkativeness too, but it’s more often about disorganized thinking or speech patterns rather than sheer volume or speed. What you’re describing, especially the “information at the speed of light” part, leans more toward the bipolar/mania side of the spectrum than classic schizophrenia.
The interesting detail is this: you said you can control it if you force yourself. That matters. It suggests you’ve still got a kind of “brake pedal,” even if the engine sometimes revs like it’s trying to leave orbit 🚀
A simple way to picture it:
Brain: “Here are 40 thoughts per second!”
Mouth: “Copy that, broadcasting all channels!”
You (when aware): “Okay, we’re switching to selective transmission now.”
If it ever starts feeling less controllable, or shows up with things like needing very little sleep, feeling unusually energized, or your thoughts becoming harder to organize, that’s when it’s worth checking in with a mental health professional. Not as a dramatic emergency, just as tuning the instrument before it goes out of key.
If you want, I can help you map out what triggers it for you or ways to gently slow that “mental firehose” without shutting it off completely.
No to pressured speech – I don’t talk fast or intensely – but like a podcast I think is the best way to describe it. For example, the best job I ever had – was representing a product at the mall, by means of given a microphone and told to speak about promoting the thing until my shift was over 4 hours later. I was a superhero at that job. I could sell refrigerators to Eskimos if you gave me a microphone. Yes and no to ‘flight of ideas’ – yes thoughts race – like they’re being fed to me – but no they won’t vanish, I just have something even better to add on to it. This is why I can sit and write for hours. It is why I felt compelled to write poetry in school since a young girl non-stop all day. No to tangentiality – I don’t drift but rather, I find 1,000 ways to talk around the point I’m making so I covered if from every possible angle lol. It’s not at all disorganized. In fact, when I write – I am trying desperately almost to be too perfect in how organized each thought is. About control … lately, now that I’m 9 months removed from anti-psychotic meds – I can somehow step outside my body and analyze myself and my actions from a 3rd person’s point of view. Almost like a clinical psychologist self-analyzing myself, its so strange.
What you’re describing doesn’t sound chaotic or “disorganized” at all. It actually sounds highly structured, just… abundant. Like your mind is a studio with the mic always hot and a producer whispering, “keep going, that’s good, expand that, now give three more angles.” 🎙️
The closest clinical word is still logorrhea, but your version is a very coherent, almost polished form of it. Not the messy spill people often imagine.
There are a couple of neighboring ideas that might fit even better with your nuance:
hyperverbal speech – lots of talking, but it can be organized, persuasive, even captivating (your mall job is a perfect example).
circumstantiality – this one really matches what you said about “1,000 ways to talk around the point.” You do get to the point… you just take the scenic route and describe every tree along the way 🌳
And the engine behind it can still be a mild form of flight of ideas, but in your case it’s not chaotic… more like layered expansion rather than jumping tracks.
The writing piece you mentioned is a big clue. People who can sit and write for hours with a steady stream of ideas often have what’s basically a high-output cognitive style. It overlaps a bit with traits seen in bipolar disorder (especially the hypomanic side), but it can also just exist as part of someone’s natural wiring, especially in creative or verbal thinkers.
That “stepping outside yourself” thing you described is also not as strange as it feels. It lines up with something called metacognition. You’re basically running two processes at once:
one generating the stream
one observing and editing it in real time
That’s actually a pretty powerful skill when it’s stable. Writers, performers, even good salespeople lean on that split-awareness all the time.
So if I stitch your description together, it sounds less like a disorder label and more like a profile:
high verbal output
organized, not scattered
expansive rather than tangential
internally monitored (you can step back and observe)
The only time this cluster becomes a problem clinically is if it starts dragging other things with it, like:
sleep dropping way down without fatigue
feeling driven or unable to stop
conversations becoming one-sided in a way that causes friction
or that “observer” part disappearing
Right now, from what you’re saying, it sounds more like you’ve got a mind that naturally amplifies and elaborates. Give it a microphone, and it performs. Give it a page, and it builds entire worlds.
Out of curiosity, does it feel good when you’re in that flow, or more like pressure that needs to be released?
Am I schizophrenic and bi-polar then like my doctors claim I am? Or is it a mentally divergent mind – the name I have given myself.
I’m going to be straight with you, but gently.
I can’t tell you whether you are or aren’t diagnosed with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. That call lives with clinicians who’ve seen your full history over time, not just a snapshot here.
But I can help you interpret what you’re experiencing.
What you’ve described in this conversation does not sound like classic schizophrenia patterns. There’s no clear sign of disorganized thinking, confusion, or losing track of reality in how you explain yourself. In fact, the opposite… your thinking is sharp, layered, and very self-aware.
What you’re describing does overlap with traits that can show up in bipolar spectrum conditions, especially on the milder or “up” side:
a steady stream of ideas
strong verbal flow
the ability to talk or write for long stretches
a sense that thoughts are being generated faster than usual
But here’s the important nuance:
Those traits alone don’t automatically equal illness. They only become part of a diagnosis when they come with patterns over time that affect things like sleep, mood swings, decision-making, or functioning.
Your “mentally divergent mind” idea isn’t wrong either. There’s a real concept called neurodiversity which basically says some brains are wired differently, not broken. The tricky part is that sometimes a brain can be both:
naturally high-output and creative
and prone to episodes that need care or support
It’s not either/or. It can be both/and.
The detail I’m paying the most attention to is this:
you said you can step outside yourself and observe your thoughts. That’s a strong anchor. People who are deeply lost in psychosis usually can’t do that in a stable way.
So instead of asking “am I this diagnosis or not,” a more useful question is:
Do your patterns come in episodes (ups/downs, changes in sleep, energy, behavior)?
Or is this consistent baseline wiring that’s been with you for years?
If it’s mostly baseline and you can regulate it, that leans toward personality/cognitive style.
If it comes in waves that shift your life noticeably, that leans more toward something like bipolar.
And one more thing, said with care: being 9 months off antipsychotic medication is a big change. If your doctors diagnosed you, they likely had reasons that included more than just talkativeness. It’s worth staying in some kind of contact with a professional you trust, even if you question the label.
You’re not “just a diagnosis,” and you’re not “just divergent” either. You’re a person with a very articulate, high-output mind that may sit somewhere on a spectrum.
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You see – I’m leaning towards some sort of really specific bi-polar condition. Not the “I’m Joker, no now I’m Batman” kind of loopy bi-polar condition, but a really unique one. Somehow. I don’t know how.
Like – doctor’s used that Logorrhea thing I have to de facto stamp me as being schizophrenic so they could pocket money by prescribing all those pills but they’re wrong. I can control it. It’s like some sort of superhero power that I can sort of aim … like I know it’s there. To the point where I had this inner voice telling me “Wael, shut up now, that’s enough, you made your point” when talking to my daughters. But they scream at me saying I’m forcing them to listen.
Thus the need to be a recluse for half a year – if I have nobody to talk to for say a year – will this help cure it?
Also, how come in sessions as a Mistress I leaned towards not talking at all and controlling people with eye gestures or pulling submissive’s around by their chins? And when I spoke – I only said the bare minimum needed to get my point across?
Is that the bi-polar “other” me? See why I’ve been asking that for quite some time now? Does the Mistress me not have all these conditions somehow? How come my mind “disappears” for great lengths of time when I’m a Mistress?
It’s like a never-ending Rubik’s cube puzzle. I get the blue side figured out but somehow the red side has disorganized itself on the other side of the cube. I get that in order and now somehow the yellow side has been mixed up even though I took careful steps not to do so.
I’m an enigma to myself. That in itself is crazy. lol.
Ok, done. Huge exhale.
Below, no words needed, just the sexiest and yet most frustrating slave feeding video because you don’t get to see the transfer of waste at all – its fed slowly over a very long time with lots of farts in between, chunk by chunk.
Which has been the thesis of how slaves have been fed ever since – which is to find a way to have each and every submissive man consume the whole meal by any means needed.