My two head pillows … heart and USA. I need a Swiss, German and Canadian set of three next … after my three favorite slaves of all time.
It’s difficult to breathe out here today as the humidity went through the roof in the past 24 hours. That means the humidity will keep building until the rainy season begins about a month from now. Also means some violent night time monsoon rain storms are about to hit which will make my reading a bit of wet experience as the roof leaks in places. I will have to work on adding more leaves and bamboo before the sun comes up.
Yesterday was a down day for me but I did a fairly okay job riding out the storm, I think.
If I don’t post, that’s why. That’s the only reason I don’t post – because I can’t.
I will say this – that all through yesterday I was able to self-analyze myself in that I knew an attack was happening and I tried talking myself through it from a 3rd person perspective with some success. Like, I didn’t break down and cry so I think those days are gone. Hopefully.
I did manage to self-shred all my notes and scribbled stories from the past few months as I think they’re sh*t compared to how I feel I should write now. I mean, my standard now makes me look at stuff I wrote half a year ago and I get furious with myself.
Again, I feel that is because the 15 years of my brain being conditioned to those prescribed pills took until last month to wear off and for my whole body to begin to adjust.
That’s what phase I’m in now, some sort of adjustment phase where I am learning what life is like with a fully-functional brain. As I found out once again today, it can feel like driving on a highway at maximum Ferrari speed while standing up and having half my body sticking up through the sun-roof while driving with my knees … then hitting a ramp and flying for seemingly forever out of control through the air expecting the collision to hit at any moment.
Only, it never did. Not this time. I calmed down finally at around 5:30pm just as the sun started to set which once again confirms that my brain reacts in a poor way with daytime conditions, uh, whatever those conditions may be. Fact is, at nighttime like now, 3am, I am always calm. I am always reading right now. My stress level is at 0 on my watch, and I am quite happy and sometimes horny. Maybe the horniness is from the early warnings of menopause? I’m just guessing.
You know, I’ve never “made love?” The rare time I’ve had sex, I’ve used a tied up slave’s pole to achieve orgasm while slapping him silly and putting all my weight on his neck with both hands David Carradine style when I climax. On average, I’d say the sex part lasted 30 seconds as I can climax quickly when in my mania stage. Or should I say ‘was in my mania stage’ because my hopes are that way of having sex are behind me now.
I look forward to long soft kissing and slow passionate sex, like super slow with rhythm. I’ve always dreamed of that. I know for sure that soft and slow is what I want to experience.
My ex – the father of my daughters – used to bang me Game of Thrones Dothraki style. Bend over. thrust, thrust, done. zzzz.
Then as a Mistress, sex was never for my enjoyment but rather, the deprivation of enjoyment for my slave. I wanted him to feel like I used him for the most intimate thing two people can do and use him roughly and violently while doing so and for the shortest time possible. That’s why I would cum so quickly, I’d get off on the sounds of his suffering as I’d slap him and grasp his throat or reach behind me and either whack his balls or lift them up and dig my nails so deep into them as I’d reach orgasm.
But the best part was climbing off the slave and totally ignoring him thereafter like he wasn’t even in the room, leaving him tied up to watch his once hard cock shrink in total confusion and frustration.
That – was sex for me. Always has been.
I think it’s time for passionate sex. Just have to find a handsome man who doesn’t know or doesn’t care that I’ve been a Mistress for the past decade and a half.
Anyways, down below for my FanVue & Patreon subscribers, here’s part 3 of the Poop Feeding Tease & Denial video.