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careful with this job, it will eat you slowly until there is nothing left of who you were” those were more or less the words Mistress Jaa told me 2.5 years ago after my first session with her.  At the time I never really understood what she meant, and through those first two years of doing occasional sessions together with her I never gave it much thought and I ended up shelving it in the back of my mind.

Until now.

When I look in the mirror I see three people looking back at me.

I’m the girl that I have to present to my family.  On the days that they’re home that involves waking up at 6am, dressing and leaving for my nursing job while in reality – I sit at McDonalds or Starbucks all morning doing email and writing like I am now on my phone.  At home I’m this good Thai girl, well mannered, cleanly, respectful and unable at all to act and talk the way I truly am.

When I meet with my friends, I don’t want to sound full of myself but I just have so much more life experience than any of them that I feel like even though i’m young I carry the weight of experience a 40 year old foreigner would bear.  My friends on the other hand, well you just wouldn’t understand unless you grew up with village life all around you in a society that suppresses creativity, individuality, and the quest to seek knowledge.  Here’s an example, I’m on the bts skytrain as I write this, it’s 8:55 am and there are about 60 people in this car, and 15 people around me within arms reach, 12 women, 3 men.

battlefield9 of them are playing Candy Crush Saga.  The other 3 are playing sms games.  The 40 other odd people are staring blankly at 15 f stop over exposed commercials on the tv above promoting a white skin that they will never have.  I was reading about the hottest and coldest places in the universe by comparison as the last thing I was doing before I started writing this.   When I’m with my friends it’s the same type of experience.  I’m not even 30 years old yet but out of all my friends in the village and my new ones in Bangkok, I am the only one who does not have kids, is not married or abandoned by the guy who knocked them up, and has not ballooned up 20-30 kilos.  About 5% of us made it to university.   Less than that graduated.  If I were an artist, I would draw a mural of a battlefield littered with dead female bodies all impaled by guy’s cocks with a castle in the background they were all trying to reach.

They want to talk about the problems in their lives, or complain about not having money to do the things they want to spend it on, and what they would buy if they did.  For them I have to play the dumb girl role, the similarly poor friend they can relate to, and when it’s my time to gripe about something I trash talk my old boyfriends until they all nod their heads in agreement like chickens pecking for grain.

But then fuck, along comes a guy from a session who interests me and suddenly I see that as far as I am above my friends intellectually, I’m just as vastly far beneath any guy like him who has an MBA from the United States, you know, from a University that’s actually ranked in the top 100 in the world and not in the top 500,000 like I could afford.  Jaa kept on saying the word ‘Alien’ to me when I spent time with her, when I talked with her yesterday about it it’s clear she mean alienation, or alienated.  I understand.

While graduating University here is a matter of navigating through ignorance, doing the same in the USA or elsewhere is truly an accomplishment.  So it’s not such a great feat really to distance myself from 80% of the population here, the trouble is that while raising subjects of conversation like Egyptology, or Heroine’s in history draws blank stares from my friends, my knowledge compared to you guys barely scratches the surface.

Somebody asked me if I know who Maslow is.  Ya I do but…  What’s the point?  You guys are always doing this to me, you’re testing this gap of knowledge our two societies have created.  If I studied my whole life , I’d never be the European, Swiss educated girl with her B.Sc and working at CERN spending her days colliding lead ions into each other.  So why fucking bother trying to be her when I’m very happy being me.

Except, I can’t be myself can I?   Not if I want out of here.

 

What’s left in Thailand for me?  To get friends I’d either have to go back to making 20,000 a month , you know, less than what you make in a week, and get a new social network of friends from there.  Or I’d try to break into the hi-so circles since I make as much money as they do, but wait … no you can’t see.  That circle that exploits the poor for their cushy life style had their lives handed to them by their Chinese ancestors, so in truth, they are even fucking more stupid than my friends.  I defy you to date one of them for more than a week.

So for fuck sake what’s left?

What’s left to get me out of this abyss of alienation that I’m trapped in, as I sit here now at 11:45 am at Terminal 21 eating Thai food alone, for what, the 600th straight day?  Oh look, one of my former lovers just sent me an sms trying to find sweet words to get me to see him.  It’s been like 8 months since I fucked him so silly that he’s never been able to forget about me, and why is he sending me these messages that are comical only to himself?  He wants me to fuck him again.  Except who is he, just some foreigner backpacker hiking his way through Asia?  No actually he lives in a 100,000 baht a month condo that he pays for himself because he’s very well off, 40 something years old, handsome, good looking, and a Bangkok resident.

What does that mean, Bangkok resident?  It means he knows the game.  He knows his lifestyle and his money can buy any girl in the city, and it’s true, I know personally he’s fucked about 10,000 of us.  When you have money like that, this is the greatest city in the world to live in.  He calls me constantly because I’m the only girl to have ever fucked him.  Big difference there.  And ultimately, that’s my weapon I need to use to fight with.  I control men.

In a world that operates under the principle of supply and demand, I’m very aware than in Thailand, trying to find a fucking super hot girl in her 20’s, who is university educated domestic and abroad, bi lingual, not knocked up, without a true boyfriend, is well read, and makes as much money as you is … well … like trying to find Foie Gras in Malawi.

If we add to that supply and demand formula that I have a dominant personality.  Then further add the true secret of men, that 75% of you are submissive as fuck, and refine the equation by including a multiplier which states that I know how your brain works, I know what controls you, what motivates you, and I use that against you.   Well, in Thailand now you’re getting into Quantum Physics trying to find a girl like me to satisfy your needs.

I may not know who’s Maslow , or maybe I do , but I know I don’t need it to make a guy I fucked a few times last year call me endlessly begging me to see him again.  A guy who can have any girl in the world, wants only me.  Of those, I have 100 in my phone.

Of those, I want none.

 

fatal attraction abyss

 

For what reason?  Because they all want the Mistress side of me.  The side that fully understands men are submissive, most of them anyway.  But I don’t want to be just a Mistress for them, I want to be myself.  The “Goddess” side of me is the third side of my personality beyond the one i show to my friends and family.  I feel like a team that has Michael Jordan sitting on the bench and wanting desperately to win without him, to show that what they have as a team is enough to win ;  but then always having to call on him to save the game.  Understand?  I don’t know much about sports but you guys can relate to sports so I’ll try that analogy.

This is why now at 1pm , I’m sitting here at Terminal 21 still , now in the food court, alone, lonely, sad, miserable, depressed.  I’m beyond my friends, trapped at home, unable to match with you guys intellectually, and can only use the Goddess side of me to capture your deepest dreams and desires.  And there it is , just as Jaa lost herself and had to quit this website to save herself, so am I going down that same road.  Fuck, so much so that I’ve even adopted her name, having done that how can my fate possibly be any different?

Maybe it’s cuz this is the 3rd day of a waterfall period, i’m without sleep, up when i should be in bed, and I shouldn’t be writing when i’m emotional.  I don’t think it’s that though, I think this is deeper and I should be very wary of what happened to Jaa to not let it happen to me.

But how do I change that?  Especially since it was me who wrote in a much earlier story ;

 

If dominating a slave like a boyfriend in a session is so wonderfully fun, is it bad that i’m wanting my next relationship to be like that?

 

My thoughts on that have evolved.

So let’s go back to that supply and demand balance that is hugely in my favor , you’ll need to properly acknowledge that if you are to understand the philosophy of where i’m gonna go with this.  If 75% of the population of guys who want to know me are submissive and I represent for them something that less than 1% of all the women on earth can provide, the potential of attraction that exists between those two extremes is dynamic, exploitable and potentially fatal.  I’ll explain.

If we define dynamic as : a force that stimulates change or progress within a system or process, then you can see that I’m describing the ensuing relationship as one that is evolving much like we as a species have evolved over time, so does this relationship as mistress and submissive.  For you it means that you are truly not happy with just a two hour session, be it with me or any other mistress.  Some are, most aren’t.  Most are looking for that feeling to be more permanent, similar to a drug induced high, that comes from being with a woman that can control him.  You’re looking for the one girl who both understands you, uses you, and loves you for that.

fallingLet me tell you a story about something that I saw occur a few years ago.  This guy, I’ll call him Tom, saw almost every mistress in Bangkok on a regular basis, always looking for the one who would take him as her boyfriend so he could inhale the lifestyle 24/7.  One one occasion, I was to meet with Tom in a popular Starbucks in the late afternoon where his other mistress had ordered him to wait so that she could meet me and discuss the session he had planned for the three of us.  I show up in jeans and t-shirt, order coffee and sit with Tom awaiting Mistress ‘S’ to arrive.  She does, in full dominatrix uniform.  She strides into the open air cafe, grabs him by his chin, and face slaps him around so much that the whole cafe came to a stand still.  She demands to know why he sat down without pre-ordering a coffee for her and makes him verbally submit to a deferred punishment that evening.

Then she sits down with me after he has gone to order and talks to me all sweet in Thai.

Fuck.  This girl was lost.  Anything that had to do with her true personality, she had sold for this personality and why?  Because Tom and his friend were rich, and also hopelessly in love with Mistress ‘S’, so her chance at a ticket out of here or to a better lifestyle was through surrendering her personality and becoming this wild mistress woman instead.  It worked.  She got herself a 10 million baht condo all paid for and a Mercedez Benz , but at what cost?

The only way Tom , and actually for the record, it was Tom’s best friend who stole her for himself , the only way he would consider Mistress S is if she could fulfill his fantasy of having a full time mistress girlfriend, which she was happy to provide at the cost of losing herself.  Like who does that?  What normal girl actually wants to walk around in full mistress clothing and make a spectacle like that in public, in her own country.  You really think she truly wants to behave like that?

 

Or perhaps she came from the Isaan village life where you were lucky to have rice to eat every day, and from that perspective losing your soul is a small price to pay for a 10 million baht condo.  It’s Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs guys at it’s most basic, most primal that is motivating her.

maslow hierarchy of needsThat’s something which you foreigners clearly lack knowledge of, or are oblivious to because of the privileges society gave you.  You simply have no idea what it is like to have to survive.  On Maslow’s chart i’d say 99% of all you guys are suffering when your tier of Belongingness breaks down.  Oh boo hoo for you.

You should notice right out of the airport after you land here that you’ve stepped down one tier from your lifestyle.  Notice how all our homes have 10 foot walls and prison doors around each and every one of them, with barbed wire and cut glass on the top … instead of your big lawns, unlocked doors, and 2 door garages.  Ya that’s you falling into the Safety/Needs category that if foremost on everybody’s minds here.  In a land where nobody has anything, you protect what you have fiercely, because coming from where I grew up or where Jaa grew up, pretty much everything gets stolen.  You should read the story about Jaa going to school for a year without shoes because hers got stolen the first day.

 

Mistress ‘S’ , and about 90% of the population here function thinking about level 1 of that chart every day from the time the sun comes up to the time they go to sleep , food , water, warmth, rest.

How does this all create the dynamic relationship I mentioned?  Well if you have somebody who is looking for the impossible girl to find, and you combine that with a girl barely surviving, you get a situation where an environment is created , as false as it is, where anything can truly happen without limits.  It’s like falling into an abyss, there is no bottom.

Well there is.  The bottom hits when Mistress S or whomever has all her level one and two needs forever taken care of and is ready to move on to level 3 just like you guys always are.  Hey, what do you think happens to you at that point?  Think about it.

That’s where the exploitation part of the attraction comes in.  Whereas at first you have the power, with your money, education, jet set life, it’s the high demand caused by the sheer number of submissive’s that make the supply side take control of things very quickly once she has reached level 3 on Maslow’s chart.  At that point you become as insignificant as a one baht coin lying in the crack beside 2 laundry machines.

hard rainThat’s why the whole Mistress / Submissive relationship that starts from an unequal class and wealth base is fatal.  It’s based on smoke and mirrors, falseness, lies, acting and whatever else that corrupts a relationship.

It’s what I absolutely don’t want in my life.

Dominating a slave is wonderfully fun.  I now feel it can be part of a relationship that’s like a playroom, you go there to play, and afterwards you’re done.  He accepts me for who I really am, and I’m good enough as myself to be with him, and the kink is a part time thing we explore.

I want desperately to just be able to be who I am naturally in a relationship.  Every guy I meet though wants the dominant Goddess to play 24/7.

Meanwhile, as I wait for the guy to love only me, I get more and more isolated in the place I live.  The thing is, I have no desire at all to play the game Mistress “S’ did just to get the ticket out of this life.  I said in a story before that Lima, Peru is the furthest possible place on the planet away from Bangkok and I said that even that isn’t far enough.  I’d consider the moon if it were possible.  But i’m not gonna sell who I am to get there.  I love that I’m a cool girl, I absolutely love who I am.  I love her enough to not let the Goddess side of me consume her.

I’m not looking for a fatal attraction , I’m looking for an attraction that grows naturally.  I get asked a lot, “What if the guy you end up with doesn’t want you doing this job?” and  I say always then that’s the wrong guy because he hasn’t fully accepted who I am.

The guy who has truly accepted me will hug me not because they want sex or have desire for me.  He will hug me out of pure love.  I haven’t found that yet, doubt I ever will.

Fuck.  I have this life solved if I can find love.  Don’t we all though.

jaa2 xx

 

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3 Responses to Fatal Attraction

  • Gino

    Hi – it’s lonely at the top, isn’t it?  First of all congrats on all the success – making money, writing a blog, a business even – as you have many people helping you…
    All this is changing who you are as a person, you’re taking control of more and more things in your life – but being completely independent can be lonely, and as a woman, that might not be an ideal state for you… (Even Jaa has her son who loves her back and she was not lonely when he was around)
    A recurring theme you write about is how “smart” Westerners are – I caution you to think like that, just because someone memorized a few more facts doesn’t endow them more intellect.  And even if someone is more intelligent, it’s not necessarily a good thing for them or for others from perspective of how they are as a mate or a friend, unless they have a good personality to match.  Bottom line – you may get to like or dislike a person regardless of how smart they are, intellect is not a panacea, I think character and intentions are more important in a person.
    Anyway my main point is to agree with what Jaa said – you may have started out thinking you’re in full control of this job/hobby but over time you’ll find the Mistress in you taking over to where you’re not even sure who you are anymore.  If that’s not OK with you, do what you can to keep yourself alive, it’ll postpone the eventual personal crisis and help fulfill your emotional needs, because right now you’re giving a lot of yourself in your sessions and no one is doing that for you, with love and attention that you need.  Have a plan in place of what you want to do if this job burns you out and you don’t want to do it anymore…

  • Ken

    Hi. I can see you are coming to a difficult point.  But you are giving westerners far too much credit. A college degree does not mean someone is smart. Most westerners are quite stupid. We have a lot of colleges and universities. That doesn’t mean there are enough smart people to fill the dorm rooms. Except for the top 100 or so, they’ll take anyone who can fog a mirror as long as they can pay. That doesn’t mean they are intelligent or can think for themselves.

    And most westerners are not as wealthy as you would believe. Most live day to day. Yes, their standard of living is higher than in Thailand, but their cost of living is commensurately high. That’s not to say westerners don’t have it far better than Thai people. I’m not blind. I’m not stupid. But only very few could afford the lifestyle of the men you meet, and those men have the world at their feet and want to take advantage of it. Maybe that limited exposure has given you a wrong perspective. And don’t put such a high value on the high life. It isn’t all that good. Stay true to yourself and what you know makes you happy. I guarantee you it isn’t money.

    As for this whole dom/sub thing. You know that if being sub is the essence of a man then that will not change. It’s hard to turn it on and off when being sub to a suitable domme is such a turn on. I actually found the most awesome d/s relationship but I broke it off after a month as I found myself losing myself. It was becoming a downward spiral Being sub was awesome. Losing me was not. I could not take that chance. So the best sex in the world did not equal love. It was fun to play, and now I know my essence and that is the problem.

    I would not presume to understand any woman, let alone a woman from Thailand with your life experience. But you are beautiful. Ridiculously so. You are intelligent. Ridiculously so. I hope you find what you need in your life. Most people don’t. Please stay positive and cling hard to who you are but understand that if you are a domme in your essence you cannot turn it off any more than a sub can, and so you will need to compromise somehow. I haven’t found a way. If you do, let me know.

    Maybe this helps you, maybe not. I know I tried to.
    Wishing you peace and love.

  • James

    Dear Goddess,

    I came across your blog looking for a Mistress whilst I visit Bangkok on work. I was just looking for denial and CBT. What I found was a blog which was visceral and real. You remind me of my favourite Dom, Mistress T. Have you read her blog? You should. She has dealt with many of the issues you face and written about them in the same frank manner you write in here.

    I have sessioned with her and been a film slave for her site. You should consider setting yourself up as a video producer as she has to free yourself from soley relying on sessioning. It is clear from your existing videos you could be very successful doing this, and it could present a viable avenue for allowing yourself to escape becoming the full time girl friend mistress you so fear. Please check out mistress T’s blog, pay per view site, and members site. You should create something similar. I would happily subscribe, and it would give you some kind of creative fulfilment, taking you right to the to of the Hierarchy of Needs.

    Funnily enough I have a PhD from a top 20 university. I got it almos by accident, I sign of just how easy life for me has been. Whilst I lectured there one of my key roles was to spot undergraduate talent to push on to post-grad study. I would have snapped you up immediately.

    Never forget that education is life long. Many of my best students were out of there 20s when they did there undergrads, let alone their PhDs. Consider further part-time study also alongside your work here.

    Anyway, I digress. What I wanted to say is your post above is the reason I won’t be sessioning with you. I have a wonderful, spoiled, emotionally damaged Chinese girlfriend, a daughter of the super rich who in economic terms is to me as rich Weaterners are to Issan girls. I find myself higher up Maslow’s hierarchy than her, but I see now that my role is to move her up too, to ensure that together we both enjoy satisfying intimate relationships and have a secure foundation together to fulfil our full creative potential. We were lucky enough to be born into lives of immense privilege and ought to make the most of it by being the best people we can be, and having children and grandchildren who strive towards the same, rather than becoming bogged down in facile Hi-so lifestyles.

    Finally, thanks to your blog, I also realise now I should treasure her for a further reason: she is that rarest of females — the woman with a true dominant streak. She is my kitten, my Goddess and my Tiger. She is a natural switch, and I hope that as her life becomes more fulfilling she will be increasingly comfortable allowing each aspect of her personality to shine in our relationship. I see now that I must not push her to be one or the other, but that I must let her grow into the woman she can be at her best.

    I hope that you can find a man with whom you can do the same.

    A final note: have you considered moving abroad to be the girl you truly are? I feel in a Western global city you would meet other souls like yourself among whom you could be yourself, Goddess, Mistress, without the impossible contradictions you face here. Come to London perhaps? Be the butterfly who escapes the chysallis.

    Sincerely,

    A Fan of your Writing.x