One of the consequences of being born very premature is having to battle a lifetime of medical ailments , but a second and more cerebral ailment is living with the constant feeling that the world never intended for us to stick around , which are feelings both Wael and I share. As I posted on Twitter today, once again I’m going under the knife come September 1st and I’ve told my surgeon that I want all of these maladies removed in a single session , to which he remarked that I’d be in quite some discomfort for the first 10 days following the procedure. Thus, I’m not doing sessions until let’s say about the 12th of September, so keep that in mind.
I honestly wouldn’t mind the constant medical visits if I had a sense of belonging since birth , but that hasn’t been the case. I’ve been hated and loathed since childhood, by my mom, by students I attended school with , by nearly all my teachers, and to a certain extent – my friends as well. I just feel like I’ve been poked at endlessly by both humans and bacteria , and certainly – if the Earth was flat , the end game of the taunting would be to push me off of Earth’s ledge.
“Why do you even exist?”
Do you know who said that to Wael today? Her mom. Wael too was born premature, so we share the same feelings about the matter. That’s a pretty god awful thing to say to your daughter isn’t it? I don’t have kids, probably never will, but I can’t imagine any scenario where I would say something like that to a child that I had brought into the world.
Ah, what brought about such a comment from her mom, that’s a reasonable question to ask. Since the actual size of the family property in Chiang Rai is quite large – as it’s in the middle of nowhere , quite literally, we came up with the idea of buying a large assortment of seeds that her family could plant and harvest as goods to sell a few months hence. See, that would actually be ‘work’ for her family and since it’s much easier to sit in the nest and let the momma bird feed them (re: send money home every month to live on) our act of helping out was met with a rude slap in the face.
I told her today that it was those exact same words – spoken to me by my mom quite a few years back – that prompted me to take all her clothes outside and burn them.
See, that’s how I roll. Piss me off , and one will find out quickly that I’m quite the vengeful bitch.
Wael’s reaction, entirely different.
She came to see me today and expressed her desire to return to her Tease & Denial roots, opting to focus only on her 1 hour T&D session as that’s what she loves doing the most. She wants more time for herself to open a business of her own, not a big one, just a small one where she can pursue selling the thing she’s most passionate about – hand cream and oils. She even wants to have her own name brand as she loves making her own creams at home and is quite passionate about how wonderful her creams are , right down to how picky she is about the coconuts she chooses, all hand picked.
That’s fine, I told her that this job would get to her if she pushed being a Mistress too much. It ate the original Jaa alive, and was beginning to eat into her personality as well, which is a shame because Wael’s demeanor is pristine. Or was. The truth is , the auto-install Mistress personality that comes from doing this job every day is a curse as much as it is liberating.
Like me, she’s lost all her friends, and while she now too doesn’t take a single ounce of shit from a man , her eyes have been opened and there’s no road back to innocence once that’s happened. We see men for what they truly are, we see the world for what it truly is, and we see this country for what it truly represents. And it sickens us.
We’re ostracized for it, fine, but that’s something I can deal with – and something she can’t.
I can throw those feelings over my shoulder like salt , because I have a plan to get myself the fuck out of here. But she’s tied to this place because of her sister’s deteriorating down syndrome condition. A condition that’s gone so far off the rails because – well because of the very things we hate about this place. Doctors here have turned her sister into a drug addict. Why? Because there’s kickbacks in a medical system the rewards doctors money for the amount of pills they can prescribe. So the end result is a human being who’s being exploited for the financial gain of the rich. Like I said, the world sickens us.
My latest conversation with my doctor went down word for word as follows (because I don’t like the motherfucker)
“So you’re saying I’m fine now, but there’s a chance it could become a problem when I”m older?”
“Then I want them removed, all of them, immediately.”
“Well let’s not be too hasty, we can control them with certain prescriptions that I’m sure over time …”
“Removed, immediately, or are you as deaf as you are pompous and retarded?”
“See I’m offering you money in a lump sum rather than your intended blood sucking annuity. My question is, do you want my money or not? Because, let’s face it, that’s all your about isn’t it, money.”
Oh and look at that, I got my surgery appointment that very minute. You have to know that game being played , because that allows one to talk in an appropriate way.
I feel for Wael, she doesn’t have it in her to talk like I do. She’d wai him, and up her language to the socially acceptable level one talks to doctors because they’re for whatever reason held to a higher platform than us. You do know that 50% of them bribed their way through university right? I mean, that’s how the privileged get by here. Oh, you think you can just walk up to a 1st class international school and get your son or daughter in without handing over a huge stuffed envelope under the table? The bribery starts there, and continues right through med school. Think about that the next time you’re seeing a local doctor here. The privileged make me sick. That society revers them just like they do in the west (you know, where you actually have to pass your exams in Harvard) is a joke.
I’m up to 2 hour gym sessions every day.
It’s the only place that feels pure. Working out is purity. Working out so hard that I kneel over gasping for air or vomit into the trash can – that’s real. I want to get up to 3 hours. Then 4. I want to walk Yosemite’s Pohono trail , she of 70,000 steps and laugh at how easy it is. I want to traverse into the depths of the Grand Canyon and jog my way back to the top – slapping all the mules on the ass as I do.
Because ‘fuck you’ to the universe for not wanting me here. For fucking with my health so nature can be rid of me.
I’m here and getting stronger every day. This is what, my 4th operation in 3 years? Not including the monthly trips to my allergy doctor to keep that under control.
I saw this chick on FitBit bragging with photos that she’s up to 100 squats / day.
I have a good answer for Wael’s mom and her query “why do we exist.”
“To piss you off” is the appropriate answer.
Not her specifically, but the universe in general.
Not only were we born premature, we were born the unwanted gender – female , and into an immediate state of poverty. Yet here we are.
In fact , let’s flip it. “Why are YOU here?” should be the retort back to our families. After all, all you did was open your legs to get fucked and have done nothing worthwhile since.
Perhaps it’s time to not send the money home and let the truly weak die.
After all , how ironic it would be that two girls who arrived far too early, would be the ones to die far too late, outliving everyone who ever questioned our right to be here in the first place.