I cannot believe this week.
And I think I will never forget about it – ever.
I had every emotion. Scared. Cry. Fear. Angry. – and that was only on Monday.
Scare because i feel like I give up. Covid is too much. I cannot support everybody. And when I dream every night I dream about death. I am a happy girl I never dream about something like that.
I cry after my dad call me and yell at me again – because I snap and yell back to him.
Deep inside my heart I understand him. I understand why he feel mad.
He has one leg only. Had accident when I was in Grade 7. Construction accident on the road.
And after that he cannot work. Now he try to sale the religion trinket for the necklace at the market sometimes. But we live very far in the mountains so hard to travel often. Somebody have to bring him and go get him.
He blame me. I think it make him so angry I a girl and I support the family not him. He violent to my mom – to my sister – and talk bad to everybody. But in his heart he want to be good – do you understand?
Fear – I will lose my family car.
6 year payment. I finish 5 years and 5 months pay every month 5000 and never miss one time.
I have to choose what do I cut? Do I cut food for everybody? Do I cut electric? Do I cut where I live and go back to live in my small room before? Or do I cut to pay for my car?
They my family live so far from anything. If no car – 100% fucked. How to go get water? How to go 40km to get food? How to go try to work at the market and sell trinket?
So last week Monday I sit think about that all day until.
Until the forest fire come too near to my home.
Angry from the law. If a fire threaten like that – 1 person from 1 family have to go help fight the fire – by law. Or pay fine 300.
Who to go? My dad with one leg? Cannot.
My sister – well she unconscious from the pain from her down syndrome every day because no money for her 20 pill / day. I tell her when I call her – if Covid fix one thing for us – it will fix her to stop addicted to so many pill every day. She tell me many time last week she ready to die but she will fight very hard. She agree the one thing we will cut so we can buy food is her pills. To see her in pain – I cannot tell you how much that kill my heart.
My 2 daughter only 14yo – too young to go.
So? Yup. My mom. 60yo … she go to help cut a gap in the forest to stop the fire from spread.
Two days later – on Wednesday – she come back and cannot breathe because the smoke in her lung.
I can tell you for sure Wednesday was the lowest day in my life.
And then. By accident I get an idea.
0 sessions. I cannot do online sessions – my English is ok but I freeze on video call. So lucky for me the man ask me to do custom video for him after I cancel online session. Custom video about : Foot worship.
I can do foot worship with amazing style. I know that from my sessions.
I call ‘Jaa’. She comes and we shoot the video. It’s a hot video. He loves it. And suddenly I have money again. But now money feels like gold. Know what I mean?
It is not enough yet to save my car but it is enough for food for my family. Sun dry pork can last a long time and eat with rice. And water.
Because the well water is dry from hoarding – have to order the truck to bring big bottle water. Now they have 15! That buy me time 7-10 days. And I buy for them 1 big sack of rice.
“A man looks in the abyss. There is nothing staring back at him. At that moment man finds his character. And that is what keeps him out of the abyss.”
On Wednesday I looked into the abyss from very very close.
And on Thursday I found my character.
In my folder on my G: Drive – for G-Spot – I have 100 videos from 100 sessions.
Yes – they are videos from when I was learn how to be a Mistress.
But if I can have a store – maybe … I can turn 100 videos into food. Into rent. Into car payment. Into Cannabis oil for my sister’s pain. Maybe.
How the hell do I design a store?
What I can tell you is from Thursday to Sunday I did not sleep more than 2 hours every day.
Do you know why I studied to be a chef?
If I can see it and do it with my hands – I can learn. Quickly.
If somebody talk and talk and talk to me to learn something – I sleep. My eyes close.
Some of you know that about me already. Because after the Tease session you want to talk. Always I say yes to stay sit and talk. I like it. But how many times did you talk and I start to fall asleep?
Not because you boring to me. Because I have to see and touch for my brain to be active.
I used everybody. This guy for editing videos. This guy for Photoshop help. Site theme for content box design. My WhiteBoard for design idea. The Gravity Form pages like this one. And borrow the store page idea from this site because simple design.
And no sleep. A lot of coffee … Like – a lot.
Finally after 60 hours I find how to put the page to the menu and – Done!
But nobody can see it. &%!@$ !! Why?
Try again. Reload maybe. Save again maybe. Turn the computer upside down maybe. Try everything.
And it work. A store. Design by me. Wow.
I can add one more emotion please? Proud.
So I go to make – yes – coffee. Again.
I sit on the bed to enjoy my coffee and relax.
Somebody order a video? Oh – my – shit. Yes – ‘oh my shit’ you know why I say like that? Because you guys never fix my English when I say something wrong or bad. In my House of Leaves foot worship video you can hear me say ‘oh my shit’ – becasue i say that for 6 years – nobody ever tell me it is “oh – my – god.”
And then yesterday. Somebody send me this video in email :
Oh my shit – why did you not tell me it is Oh my God.
Don’t get my started okay. You let me say “comfofafull” too. Many year. Only this year somebody correct me to say ‘comfortable.’
Anyway. Ding! – I can say ‘ding’ properly.
I sale a video.
Is it a emotion if I say – I feel strong? Strong is emotion yes? I felt like that – very very strong.
I bought online for my sister (photo to your left) medical CBD to take away the pain from her down syndrome. She will get it maybe tomorrow and if it help her to feel okay again – oh my shit I will be so happy.
Maybe I will not lose my car now?
Maybe my daughters will be okay?
and maybe I can hide here in my room three more month.
Because I have 1 more emotion now.
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